abstinence, abstinent, bondage, celibacy, celibate, christian relationships, freedom, liberation, men, relationships, sex, sexual freedom, sexual identity, Sexual Purity, sexuality, sexually active, teenagers, the wait, women
Sex has always been a topic that has enthralled me. While a virgin, I made sure everyone was aware that I had chosen to save myself for marriage. Despite my physical purity, I read erotica novels and loved listening to stories about my peers’ sexcapades. So, although I chose not to have sex while my friends bragged about how great it was, I could have authored a series of sex novels.
I waited to have sex simply because I was told that was what good Christians did. I was also afraid of getting pregnant. My mother was a teen mom and she made sure that I would not repeat her mistakes. My mother believed that if she, the quiet and reserved daughter, could become pregnant as a teenager, there was no doubt that I, the talkative and outgoing daughter, would as well. Ultimately, I remained a virgin because that is what was expected of me. Yes, it is really as simple as that. No, I did not stay a virgin because I believed that it was pleasing to God. I stayed a virgin because I wanted to appear to be perfect; it was all a facade. I felt pressured to be the perfect daughter, the perfect granddaughter, the perfect older sister, the perfect cousin, the perfect student, the perfect dancer, the perfect athlete, the perfect bastard child born to a teenage girl. Then one day I decided to rebel against those expectations and told my boyfriend (he was not my first boyfriend), who was not a virgin, that I was finally ready to lose my virginity. I wish that I could say that I loved him but I did not. Soon after, my family moved to another state. Let me clarify, the move was not a surprise to me. I felt free enough to rebel and have sex because I knew that I was going to move and would not have to deal with the consequences. WOW! Wasn’t I a manipulative coward.
I entered into another relationship, fell in love, and started to have sex with my boyfriend. I called myself a Christian and took my faith “seriously” (I hadn’t read a Bible nor stepped foot into a church since I was 12), however, I continued to have sex with my boyfriend because we were in love. Besides, it was not as if I were sleeping around. I took pride in the fact that I was only sleeping with one man. Whereas, many of my peers had sex with a different person every weekend. <<<Please read the next sentence in an annoying, pompous voice>>> I, however, was the “good Christian” who only fornicated with one man. And because of that people thought that I was innocent; some even went as far as calling me a prude. I wore the mask of perfection proudly–so much for my rebellion against it. During that time I developed what I mistakingly believed to be an addiction to sex (I figured out the truth years later). My relationship continued for four years and I ended it because, despite my ex being what I would call a good person, I came to the realization that he was not the man who was meant to be my husband (I believed then and still believe that God told me that my then boyfriend was not my husband). I did not see the point of being in a relationship if I could not see myself spending the rest of my life with the other person. In alignment with that view, I had to break up with my ex so that he could be with a woman who would want to spend the rest of her life with him. I loved him too much to be selfish and continue our relationship. The breakup saddened me because I loved him and his family, but it was not difficult to end because I knew that God had someone even better out there for me. I was also confident that I would meet my husband in law school (HA! I just graduated law school and I am still single). After that relationship ended, all of the guys, including “friends”, who had been lying in wait, pounced. Initially I did not fall prey to them because of the boundaries that I put in place. However, I soon succumbed to my “addiction” and entered a brief situationship.
I was tired of being the prude. Over the next few years I went back and forth between being “sexually free” and being celibate. My expectations were too high; it was just sex; I was confident in my sexuality; I was addicted to sex and could not live without it. Those were some of the lies that I told myself. Despite going without sex for periods of up to two years, I truly believed that I was addicted and I got to the point where I did not believe that I was doing anything wrong. Why would I believe any different when everyone around me was doing the same thing??? Well, that all changed when I had an experience that revealed to me that I was not addicted to sex, I just enjoyed it. A few months after that realization I decided to take yet another vow of celibacy. I was not a Christian when I made that vow, in fact, I had not self-identified as a Christian for about two years. That was four years ago and since then I have become a Christian who has a personal relationship with Jesus Christ; I have accepted Christ as my LORD and Savior, and therefore, have a new reason why I choose not to have sex until marriage.
I am writing this blog to (1) expose the devil for the liar that he is and (2) provide support for those people who want to abstain from sex until marriage. My goal is to be transparent while shining God’s light into the darkness.
Here is a non-exhaustive list of lies I have heard about sex:
- sex is liberating
- you can have sex without becoming attached
- you need to have sex in order to determine compatibility
- you will never find a man/woman who is willing to wait for you. He/she will not stay
- everyone is doing it
- sex is liberating, sleep with whomever you want
- you will be fine as long as you use protection
- you will not know what to do when you are married if you do not get practice beforehand
- God does not want you to have fun
- it is not even that serious
- it is alright if I just sleep with one person
- I am different because I am not sleeping around with every Tom, Dick, and Harry
- guys want it and cannot live without it
- you and me ain’t nothing but mammals. . . in other words, we are animals who have no self-control
Here is a non-exhaustive list of what God’s Word says about sex:
- The marriage bed should be kept pure. Hebrews 13:4
- Sex outside of marriage is a sin. Exodus 20:14
- Sexual immorality is a sin against your body. 1 Corinthians 6:18
- If it is love, it will wait. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
- God does want you to have sex. 1 Corinthians 7:2
- Sex is liberating within marriage. Genesis 2:25
- Sin is serious. Romans 6:23
- Sexual immorality is sin no matter how you try to justify it. Titus 1:15
I have chosen to abstain from having sex outside of marriage because it is displeasing to God. I know that I am not alone in this for all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). I know that the temptation to have sex outside of marriage is not unique to me and that I can fight against temptation and be victorious because the Bible says that, “no temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” (1 Corinthians 10:13). It was not until I became conscious of my sin that I was able to experience true freedom, and it is only through God’s grace and mercy that I have been redeemed (Romans 3:20, 24).
This blog will not be about shaming those who are or have been sexually active outside of marriage. The purpose of this blog is to convict those people to stop by sharing what God has impressed upon my heart. I will talk about topics other than sex because abstaining from sex is not all it takes to be pure. I plan to take a holistic approach in order to help myself and others build a personal relationship with Christ.
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*edit from 2-Feb-2019– I was addicted. However, I have been delivered from that addiction. Deliverance does not mean the absence of temptation, however, it does mean that I am no longer a slave to temptation.