Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby. Let’s Talk About . . . ME



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Sex has always been a topic that has enthralled me. While a virgin, I made sure everyone was aware that I had chosen to save myself for marriage. Despite my physical purity, I read erotica novels and loved listening to stories about my peers’ sexcapades. So, although I chose not to have sex while my friends bragged about how great it was, I could have authored a series of sex novels.

I waited to have sex simply because I was told that was what good Christians did. I was also afraid of getting pregnant. My mother was a teen mom and she made sure that I would not repeat her mistakes. My mother believed that if she, the quiet and reserved daughter, could become pregnant as a teenager, there was no doubt that I, the talkative and outgoing daughter, would as well. Ultimately, I remained a virgin because that is what was expected of me. Yes, it is really as simple as that. No, I did not stay a virgin because I believed that it was pleasing to God. I stayed a virgin because I wanted to appear to be perfect; it was all a facade. I felt pressured to be the perfect daughter, the perfect granddaughter, the perfect older sister, the perfect cousin, the perfect student, the perfect dancer, the perfect athlete, the perfect bastard child born to a teenage girl. Then one day I decided to rebel against those expectations and told my boyfriend (he was not my first boyfriend), who was not a virgin, that I was finally ready to lose my virginity. I wish that I could say that I loved him but I did not. Soon after, my family moved to another state. Let me clarify, the move was not a surprise to me. I felt free enough to rebel and have sex because I knew that I was going to move and would not have to deal with the consequences. WOW! Wasn’t I a manipulative coward.

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The Feelings Remain


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Here I am wide awake in bed way past my bedtime. My mind and heart are yearning for relationship. My body keeps trying to enter into the conversation, however, I whisper to it “not yet.”

During my season of singleness there have been episodes when all I could think about is how much I want to be married and have children. There have been others when all I could think about was how much I miss physical touch. And I’m not talking about a church hug. I want to be married. I want to have sex. I want to experience a healthy pregnancy. I want to give birth to healthy children. I want to have my own family.

Sometimes these thoughts flood my mind and heart without warning. Other times they’re triggered by photos of married couples and/or families; videos/shows/movies; interactions with couples and/or children; or even by seeing the “ideal” guy.

What do I do when this happens?

a. Well, I remember that I’m human and that these feelings are natural and should not be punished. I am not going to punish myself for wanting love and a family. I am not going to punish myself for having sexual urges. No, I’m going to need those urges once I enter into covenant with my future husband. I am not a robot who can be trained to think that these feelings are bad and suddenly flip the switch back on because I get married. No, I must merely remind myself to delay gratification, and that God is glorified in my choosing to wait. I am no longer a slave to the desires of my flesh.

b. I pray and ask God to strengthen me during this journey because I am not strong enough to make it on my own.

c. I remind myself that waiting on God is in my best interest and that I genuinely want what is in God’s will for my life.

d. I guard my heart by guarding setting boundaries. It’s okay to mute the couples on your IG. It’s okay to tell your family and friends that you need to take a break from hanging out with them and their spouse and/or children. It’s okay to take a break from relationship videos and sermons.Take the break that you need for as long as you need it!

e. I think of what I truly want. Yes, I want to be married and have children. However, I don’t want to do that with just anyone. I want a true partner, the partner who God will send to me; the partner who will go to war with me; the partner who will want to build a legacy, etc. (I can’t give away my deepest desires on a blog knowing that people be out here lurking and scheming). If it were as simple as being married and having children for the sake of not being lonely, I could pick up my phone and get married tomorrow. BUT GOD WANTS MORE FOR ME! HE WANTS MORE FOR YOU!

“but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” ‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭40:31‬ ‭ESV‬‬